The Amateur Scientist

New Site, New Feed, New Everything

2010-11-25T19:48:00.003-06:00

In a few short hours, AmateurScientist.org will be a whole new place. If you've subscribed to this feed in a reader, you're going to have to switch to the following URL if you want to keep up:

http://www.amateurscientist.org/rss

That's right. The new AmateurScientist.org will be hosted on Tumblr, the blogging platform of choice for elitist hipsters, artful pornographers, and OCD-level minimalists. Since we fall under all those categories, it seemed like the place to be.

It's been a good long road on this here Blogger-hosted site, so we're not simply making it disappear. You'll still be able to find all the previous posts here.

But we hope you'll enjoy the new site and its associated feed. In addition to looking like a futuristic magazine from the magazine future, it will also be home to much more regular comedy content than ever before. Plus, it will be the central hub for the ever-expanding universe of Amateur Scientist Industries.

Onward and upward!

The Amateur Scientist Podcast: Episode 122

2010-11-06T10:14:00.002-05:00

What's so special about the McRib? Who's trying to whack Randy Quaid? Why does Colorado hate extraterrestrials? Who hurt George W. Bush's fragile feelings? Why are pagans ruining our museums? Why does Sylvester Stallone know about our president? Are toxic oil dispersants making us sick? Who is Mr. Bojangles? The answers to all these questions and absolutely no more on this week's show.

Listen now:

Subscribe to the feed
Subscribe via iTunes
Download the MP3
Join us on Twitter and Facebook
Theme by The Thermals

Alien Pyramid Challenge

2010-10-20T12:35:00.003-05:00

You may not know this, but our own Richard Peacock is an indie video game developer. In fact, his Alien Pyramid Challenge is one of the best titles available through Xbox Live Indie Games. The gaming blog A Rant with Good Grammar just posted an interview with Richard about game development, programmer working conditions, and his thoughts on design. READ IT!

Dentana

2010-09-29T10:00:00.001-05:00

No, it isn't a merperson. It's just a fish with human-like teeth.

Scientology Watch

2010-09-23T10:00:00.002-05:00

MINUS: Under suspicious circumstances, the great director Paul Thomas Anderson has indefinitely postponed his plans to make The Master, a film loosely based on the life of L. Ron Hubbard, in which master thespian Philip Seymour Hoffman would have played the titular nutball.

PLUS: Mad Men actress Elizabeth Moss has filed for divorce from her husband of eleven months, Saturday Night Live's Fed Armisen. Possibly baseless rumor mongering has it that Moss' devotion to Scientology may have played a role in the divorce. In any case, she's on the market, fellas.

TOTAL: A wash, though it's probably more likely that I would have watched and enjoyed The Master than that I will marry Elizabeth Moss as part of my larger scheme to get closer to a Hamm sandwich with Don Draper and Christina Hendricks.

When Gay Sex is Outlawed...

2010-09-22T17:45:00.002-05:00

For several years, many U.S. states had laws against sodomy, the illicit use of human genitals for anything other than creating a child who will one day Google the word "blowjob". But in 2003, the Supreme Court struck down Texas' anti-sodomy law, thereby rendering similar laws in all other states moot.

But despite all that, the official platform adopted by the Republican Party of Montana in June still includes a stance in favor of outlawing "homosexual acts". Granted, homosexual acts are a grave danger to the Montana economy. It's a state full of wide open spaces just begging to be turned into hot man-on-man orgy grounds. Plus, with such a low population, it's rare for members of the opposite sex to even meet, let alone procreate.

But not all Montana Republicans are in favor of the platform. At least one state legislator says that it has no place in the modern GOP and that anyone wanting to arrest gays should join another political party. Plus, there's no legal means for the state to re-outlaw buttsex, mouthfucking, and mutual masturbation after the state supreme court struck down its sodomy laws in 1997.

However, it's good to know some Montana Republicans are still thinking long and hard about sodomy. It's all over their minds like semen on an upper lip.

The Mouse Problem

2010-09-21T12:00:00.001-05:00

Christine O'Donnell, the newly minted Republican senatorial candidate from the great tax haven of Delaware is forging ahead with her plans to become this news cycle's Sarah Palin. She's a political outsider, she's pissed off about the D.C. status quo, and she's willing to say any crazy thing it takes to rile up the rabid right-wingers. It's a brave stance to take, especially since with each passing day, it's looking more and more likely that O'Donnell accidentally lobotomized herself sometime in the early '90s.

Weirdly, it's not so much what O'Donnell's saying now that makes her seem like a glue sniffer. It's the seemingly bottomless well of ridiculous quotes from all of her TV appearances in the last fifteen years. First, she took to MTV to decry masturbation. Then she was on Politically Incorrect discussing her dabbling with witchcraft. On C-SPAN, she lamented the taxpayer money spent on trying to help self-destructive AIDS patients. And now, we've learned that during a 2007 appearance on The O'Reilly Factor, O'Donnell warned the nation of a monstrous horror lurking in our laboratories.

"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully-functioning human brains," she said, sniffing suspiciously.

Here's the thing: This is bullshit. It never happened, and it's a little mind boggling how someone could possibly think it did.

However, the inverse may, in fact, be true. While no human-brained mice are intelligently dropping their turds in the box of Christmas ornaments we keep in our attics, there is evidence that some fully-functioning humans may demonstrate mouse-like behavior:

Book Learnin'

2010-09-21T10:00:00.002-05:00

Members of the Texas State Board of Education are pushing a resolution that would warn textbook publishers against downplaying Christianity while glorifying Islam in history books adopted by state schools. According to the resolution's conservative backers, several history books are known to devote more space to discussing Islam than Christianity, to teach about Christian massacres of Muslims during the crusades while ignoring Muslim massacres of Christians, and to devote several chapters to the fact that Mohamed's camera shyness is far sexier than Jesus' downright slutty need to pose for every Renaissance painter who ever lived.

Critics say that these board members are placing politics above education. Also, that the textbooks they cite as offensively pro-Islam aren't even used in Texas classrooms. But proponents have responded by claiming "Middle-Easterners" are buying into textbook publishing companies in order to push their terrorist agenda. As evidence, they refuse to provide any evidence.

This is pretty much par for the course when it comes to the Texas school board. These are the same people who tried to insert creationist textbooks into the state's biology classrooms, and several board members are the types of people who wear lots of denim dresses decorated with wooden buttons they bought at an arts and crafts show in a church parking lot.

I'm a little bored by this news, to tell you the truth. Not so much because it's more of the same, but because I'm fairly certain that the entire Texas State Board of Education is composed of characters played via split-screen technology by a very much alive Andy Kaufman.

Twilight

2010-09-17T10:00:00.002-05:00

LiveScience.com recently reported on a conference held in Cambridge earlier this month to discuss the role popular teen fiction like the Twilight series might have in shaping young brains.

Actually, the conference covered several areas of research relating to neuroscience and the arts in young people, but LiveScience.com knows what any good web outlet knows: Twilight equals page views.

Twilight The only real scientific Twilight takeaway from this conference Twilight is that teenagers have mushier brains than real humans Twilight, and are therefore more susceptible to influence Twilight from books, movies, peers, Twilight, and their own personal experiences. Twilight.

This isn't new, Twilight but it's interesting to study whether Twilight the subtextual values included in teen entertainment Twilight might take advantage of a young person's underdeveloped brain Twilight to make a bigger impact Twilight than they otherwise might.

Twilight, for example, Twilight may have certain anti-feminist, conservative Twilight messages that could be Twilight unwittingly embraced by its target Twilight audience. Which is a scary thought, Twilight since no one wants an entire Twilight generation of girls yearning to be stalked Twilight by a semi-pedophilic Twilight vampire Twilight. Well, except for Twilight semi-pedophilic vampires, I Twilight suppose.

Twilight Twilight Twilight.

Twilight.

4th Dimensional Bigfeet Going Out

2010-09-15T18:00:00.002-05:00

Cryptomundo has published a very intriguing email from a person known only as "silvereagle" who claims to know of a Bigfoot research project conducted at the Lawrence Livermore National Labs in the '60s. According to silvereagle, the labs had several Bigfeet in captivity and were able to determine that the creatures are intelligent extradimensional beings with the power to turn invisible and walk through walls. Unfortunately, one was also a bit of a sexist prankster.

"Apparently, it liked to sneak up on the secretaries from behind, when they came in for coffee. So there were a few dropped coffee pots and burnt toes. [The secretaries] drove [a Bigfoot] out of the building by opening up a pathway by propping doors open and presumably banging on pots and pans. Apparently, one scientist was retired early because it was believed that the bigfoot hypnotised him to go insane."

There's much more at Cryptomundo. The takeaway? Our secretaries are never safe from invisible Bigfeet.

The Circle of Dumb

2010-09-15T16:00:00.002-05:00

The local Oklahoma chapter of the Coalition of Reason recently raised $5,250 to erect this dumb billboard about atheism. This is in response to the numerous dumb billboards about Christianity that believers have been erecting for years.

In other news, people are too busy texting to notice when they drive past a dumb billboard.

Old Colonial

2010-09-15T14:00:00.002-05:00

In a recent article for Forbes, conservative intellectual and shell-less amphibian Dinesh D'Souza hypothesized that Barack Obama's worldview was predominantly shaped by the social and political opinions of his father, who was reportedly a Kenyan communist devil worshipper with a soft spot for Adolf Hitler. Now, former Republican U.S. representative, probable 2012 presidential candidate, and victim of congenital tinyface disease Newt Gingrich has picked up that idea and run with it.

Speaking to The National Review, Gingrich said that Obama may be completely inscrutable to the average American, as his politics and values could be "Kenyan" and "anti-colonial".

Now, the fact is that Obama is no more a Kenyan than Gingrich is a member of whatever reptilian race to which his ancestors belonged. But the liberal blowhards who've gone on the attack over this comment might be taking things a step too far. Gingrich is 100% correct that Obama is an anti-colonial.

Think about it. In these past two years of the Obama presidency, has the man himself done a single thing to support our struggling American colonies across the globe? This used to be the empire upon which the sun never set! And now we are but a pale, impotent shadow of our former selves.

What about those brave pioneers we sent to the furthest reaches of Namibia, Mongolia, Prussia, and those other places? They're toiling in obscurity, doomed to stockpile winter food and tame the rabid savages with the Word of the Lord. Nowhere in Obama's budget is there an allocation for new Bibles or hogsmead for these poor souls. Why, if we continue to ignore them, they'll be blameless for taking up arms in pursuit of their own emancipation.

I for one hope Gingrich's words are heeded. If he doesn't rip the presidency from Obama's grasp, the least we can do is hold him up as a great American prophet and carve his tiny, tiny face into the side of some mountain or other.

Kaufman on Net Neutrality

2010-09-15T12:00:00.000-05:00

Lloyd Kaufman isn't just the mad genius behind Troma Films and a great friend of Amateur Scientist Industries. He's also one of the founding fathers of the independent cinema movement. As I said during his appearance on our Dragon*Con 2010 show, everyone who makes things without the help of giant corporations owes Lloyd a debt of gratitude.

And as a champion of the little guy, Lloyd has written an open letter on net neutrality, which you can read here. Please do. It's an important issue that's worth your time.

WARNING: Very few tits or gory deaths at that link. Unfortunately.

Electric Touch

2010-09-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

Researchers have developed a new type of artificial skin for future robots: one which grants them a rudimentary sense of touch. Sensors in the skin respond to changes in thickness due to pressure. It's capable to detect pressures as gentle as the feeling of typing on a keyboard or holding a small object such as a pencil or an EMP grenade.

Just kidding. There's probably no need to carry EMP grenades around these touchbots. Just like there's probably no need to keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen. It's just there for peace of mind.

If we're to enslave robots for delicate tasks like polishing our fine crystal or lifting our privates to get at those hard-to-scrub areas, it's important that they be sensitive enough to not accidentally crush objects with their unholy strength. It's also important that they learn how to be tickled, as robot laughter is the best medicine for electrical burns.

Researchers say before touchbots are ready for the Sears catalog, this artificial skin may be used to grant skinless humans a new lease on touch. Pretty soon, we'll all be able to feel medical droids poking needles at the fingers of our new robot hands before we retire to our bunks for a little advanced testing.

SadCraft

2010-09-09T18:00:00.002-05:00

It’s no wonder so many Koreans are addicted to video games. Not long ago, a Korean couple killed their baby after neglecting it in favor of playing some crappy MMO. And so many people play StarCraft that it’s a valid career path for troubled youths.

This probably has something to do with the fact that South Korea is surrounded by a bunch of terrible neighbors. It can be stressful knowing that the people you hear stomping on your roof are actually the malnourished, lobotomized army of a tiny madman sitting on a nuclear arsenal. For a few years, I was convinced the guy living across the hall from me was a Mafioso, and the only thing that took my mind off stray bullet nightmares was a slavish devotion to Minesweeper. Also, lots of mushrooms.

But it seems some Korean psychiatrists have successfully treated StarCraft addiction in particular with the antidepressant Buproprion. The study participants each played StarCraft an average of four hours per day. Some of them have missed months of school due to their addiction, and others have even been divorced because of their disgusting clicking habit.

This is good news for Korean gamers in search of medical help for their uncontrollable urges. But even though I hate to sound like a prude, there’s really only one 100% effective cure for StarCraft or MMO addiction: taste in video games.

Showoff

2010-09-09T16:00:00.002-05:00

You know, I always found it obnoxious when smarty pantses and Korean exchange students would smugly solve a Rubik’s Cube in front of me when the only way I could do it was with a claw hammer and a tube of superglue. But this jerk takes the puzzle cube braggart taco:

Chained Heart

2010-09-09T14:00:00.002-05:00

Some of us lose all bodily control when forced into a potentially romantic situation. But for at least one person, this isn’t just a symptom of a massive Planet of the Apes memorabilia collection. It’s actually a medical condition.

Matt Frerking, a neurologist, becomes paralyzed when his thoughts turn to love or when he witnesses a little too much public heavy petting. It’s a combination of narcolepsy and cataplexy, or a weakening of the muscles. He can barely touch his wife. Anniversary celebrations shut him down. In short, he’s a catch.

Frerking says he can’t even watch trailers for romantic movies, so he usually occupies his mind during the 45 minutes of previews before a film by concentrating on scientific research. With his extremely attractive new lab assistant Bethany… Aaaand, he’s out.

Kidding aside, this sounds like a horrific condition, and my heart goes out to the man.

Kidding not aside, his best friends call him Casanovocain.

Billy Ray: Alien Hunter

2010-09-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

Billy Ray Cyrus’ star waned in the latter half of the 20th century when America learned to heal its achy breaky heart, reject the Dixie mullet, and finally seek treatment for its syphilitic pop culture delirium. It’s the same set of circumstances that led to the fall of slap bracelets and Perfect Strangers spinoffs. But unlike Urkel, Billy Ray has risen again.

Turns out the Cyrus seed was potent enough to create a plasticky homunculus with the kind of freshly-scrubbed teen charm and premature smoker’s voice that appeals to the Disney pretween demo. Billy Ray ironed his mullet, adjusted the douchiness of his outfits, and hitched a ride back to the top on his daughter Miley’s hair extensions. And it looks like he’s milking his second chance for all its worth by following in the footsteps of his heroes Leonard Nimoy, Jonathan Frakes, and Arthur C. Clarke. That’s right. Billy Ray Cyrus is going to host a show about the paranormal.

Called UFO: Unbelievably Freakin’ Obvious, the show will follow Cyrus and his doomed son Trace crisscross the globe in search of aliens, ghosts, monsters, and cheese fries. Yes, this will be on SyFy. Yes, it will be better than Farscape.

In related news:

Karl Mamer LIVE!

2010-08-27T07:06:00.003-05:00

TONIGHT! The Conspiracy Skeptic himself and our own pitiless podcaster Karl Mamer will be answering your questions LIVE(!) on Skeptically Speaking. Tune in to CJSR 88.5 FM in Alberta or listen live online at 8pm EST to hear Karl sweat under the intense questioning of one-woman good cop/bad cop Desiree Schell. Or call in with your own interrogations and/or heavy breathings. This is your mission! You know what you have to do!

Truth in Advertising

2010-08-23T15:09:00.001-05:00

Britain’s Advertising Standards Authority has banned a magazine ad for a protective talisman, claiming the makers of the talisman can’t back up their claims. It’s a simple, coin-shaped pendant engraved with Hebrew glyphs, but manufacturers The Circle of Raphael say in their ad that it will bring wearers “angelic blessings”, grant them protection from seven angelic guardians, increase their luck in games of chance, open the doors of opportunity and good fortune, and grant them luck in their love lives. The ASA says that a few testimonials aren’t enough to prove The Circle of Raphael’s claims, so they have to retool their message to make it a little less specific. Well, never one to take the government at their word, I ordered one of the pendants myself. I could choose from silver or gold at $45 and $186 respectively. I went with gold, since I’m classy. I can’t say I’ve noticed any angels following me around, but I’ve been told angels are invisible, so that’s not really evidence of anything. I did, however, climb over my deli’s lunch counter and extend my hand toward their slicing machine, but a helpful employee pulled the plug before I could be mangled. I’d count that as protection from harm. And during my D&D game the other night, I rolled a natural 20 one time. Will I also become lucky in love? Only time will tell, but I’m optimistic. No woman could resist me in this douchey shirt I’ve unbuttoned just low enough to show off my magic pendant. More details here.

Christ Cock Causes Clink Caution

2010-08-23T13:08:00.001-05:00

A German blogger has claimed he received a notice from the State Office of Criminal Investigation for linking to a picture of a painting of Jesus that may or may not depict the savior’s rock-hard dong. According to the blogger, he may be charged with criminal profanity. It’s a worrisome situation for a few reasons. One: Outlawing profanity is absurd. Two: It’s not like this guy was the only one linking to the picture. It made international news, since the painting was originally hanging in a church and had to be altered by the artist after people complained Christ’s abdominal section looked an awful lot like an erect cock and a pair of massive, succulent balls. This blogger didn’t create the painting, and even reputable news outlets showed it on their sites. And three: Even if this painting were an explicit depiction of the Holy Junk, how is that profane? Despite what those gnostic hippies would have us believe, the whole point behind Christ’s existence was his fleshy, human form. He was God as man, so God could sacrifice his flesh as man. And there’s no such thing as a fleshy man without a fully-formed package. (Minus the odd genetic freak, self-mutilator, or Ryan Seacrest.) If anything, Christ’s phallus would be a poignant reminder of all he gave up to save us from our sins. He washed us all in his blood, and some of that blood naturally flowed into his erect penis from time to time. Probably whenever Mary Magdalene indulged him in an after-dinner dance. More details here.

Ghost Rider

2010-08-23T11:07:00.001-05:00

The story goes that three years ago, a 20-year-old motorcyclist was killed after being struck by a speeding driver on Lemon Tree Passage Rd. north of Newcastle in the U.K. Now, that young man’s ghost is cursed to seek its revenge upon those who would kill another with their reckless driving. But this ghost is apparently kind of an idiot, since his plan has backfired in the worst way. Local police have issued a warning to drivers after learning that many curious ghost-taunters are purposefully speeding down Lemon Tree Passage Rd. to conjure the motorcycle ghost and post video of his eerie glow on YouTube. Even scarier, these amateur ghost hunters run the risk of creating a never-ending loop of revenge spirits. When one of them inevitably slams into a tree, he’ll be forced to take out his ghostly wrath on anyone dumb enough to barrel down a darkened highway while pointing a Flip camera over his shoulder. If this second ghost succeeds, he’ll have created another ghost bent on seeking revenge against vengeance ghosts. And so on. Plus, it’s not like the original motorcycle ghost is putting on much of a show. The YouTube videos posted so far only show a little white light visible out the back windshield. Not scary at all. I guess rampant homophobia prevents modern motorcycle ghosts from donning studded leather and whipping chains around. More details here.

Wi-Fi Outcry

2010-08-17T14:48:00.001-05:00

A group of Ontario parents is demanding their local school district shut off all its wireless networks and go back to running cables to every classroom, citing a mountain of anecdotal evidence that the invisible signals are making their kids sick. It’s a cut and dry case, really. When these kids are at school, they suffer from headaches, dizziness, racing hearts, nausea, memory loss, concentration problems, rashes, restlessness, night sweats, and insomnia. On the weekends, all these issues go away. “I’m not saying it’s because of the Wi-Fi, because we don’t know yet,” said one concerned parent. “But I’ve pretty much eliminated every other possible source.” In other words, he’s saying it’s the Wi-Fi. Which makes perfect sense, because there’s no other opportunity for these children to be exposed to the kind of dangerous radio waves emitted by wireless network transmitters. Other than carrying cell phones, of course. Or walking around outside. Or going inside. Anyway, the point is this: there’s no other reason why children would feel worse in school than at home playing their video games and their Twitters. More details here.

Real Life Hunch

2010-08-17T12:47:00.001-05:00

Most everyone remembers Victor Hugo’s classic horror novel “The Hunch Back of Notre Dame”, the story of a deaf, disfigured bell-ringer in Paris’ most famous cathedral who stalks, rapes, and murders a fiendish gypsy girl named Esmeralda. If not the novel, then you might remember the animated Disney adaptation, in which Quasimodo commits his heinous deeds with the help of several singing animals. Either way, it’s a terrible tale, and the only thing in which our children may find some nightly respite is the promise that these nightmarish characters were simply the fictional illusions of Hugo’s syphilitic mind. Well, bad news, light sleepers. It looks like Quasimodo may have been based on an actual person. Newly discovered memoirs written by a British sculptor hired to work at Notre Dame during the time Hugo would have been writing his novel make numerous references to a stone carver called “Le Bossu”, French for “hunchback”. No word yet on how many gypsy girls this monster raped and murdered, but the diaries do suggest that the man was a bit of an antisocial type. This may be because he was constantly reminded of his irreversible disfigurement via cruel nicknames, but it’s also possible he was simply a lunatic. Anyway, the moral of the story is this: shun the abnormal. More details here.

Chocsick

2010-08-17T10:46:00.002-05:00

Studies have shown that dark chocolate is better than placebo at reducing blood pressure, but new findings suggest some people just can’t stand the stuff. Patients given tomato extract pills were more likely to complete their assigned course of treatment than those assigned dark chocolate. The main complaint about the chocolate treatment was its disgusting taste, which some study participants described as “unpalatable”. This flies in the face of research I’ve conducted while standing in line at Bed Bath and Beyond. The impulse buy shelves are lined with row upon row of candy bars, candy dollops, and candy dildos bragging of their luxuriously high cocoa content. Like everything in Bed Bath and Beyond, this stuff wouldn’t be there if people didn’t want it. Case in point: the pyramid of chicken-shaped back scratchers clogging the path to kitchen wares. So why are so many people buying dark chocolate if they find it so disgusting? The only reasonable answer is that humans are irrational creatures whose whims and tastes can’t be predicted or controlled. This also explains the popularity of UGG boots. More details here.

Oh, Mitre!

2010-08-03T14:07:00.001-05:00

BuzzFeed has posted a gallery of the fifteen gayest pictures of the pope. This is not one of them.

Adam, Eve

2010-08-03T13:06:00.001-05:00

The Livingston, Louisiana school board is making no secret of the fact that they would like creationism to be taught in their schools. At a recent board meeting, members discussed whether the Science Education Act passed by the state legislature last year could be used to shoehorn in some religious teachings. It absolutely can, of course, since that was the entire point of the bill. It allows Louisiana teachers to fully inform their students of all aspects of the creationism vs. evolution debate by telling them that evolution is wrong and Darwinists will rot in hell. It’s called “teaching the controversy”, and it’s the only thing that will save this country from oblivion. The odd part of this story is how blatant the school board members have been in their arguments, since most creationist educators try to couch their beliefs in vaguely sciencey terms like “intelligent design” in order to not look like Constitution-trampling zealots. Not these folks, though. Board member David Tate said, “We let them teach evolution to our children, but I think all of us sitting up here on this School Board believe in creationism. Why can't we get someone with religious beliefs to teach creationism?" He makes a good point. Which is why it’s such a shame that literally seconds after making this statement, Tate and the rest of Louisiana’s residents were covered in a tsunami of BP oil, then their bodies were ripped to shreds by hurricane-force winds as punishment from God for their rampant sodomy. More details here.

Santa vs. Vatican

2010-08-03T11:05:00.004-05:00

UPDATE!

Santa himself emailed me to explain he isn’t trying to sue the Vatican or the pope directly. Instead, he’s looking into ways law enforcement might better protect children from priests’ wandering extremities. Santa’s laid out a few ideas in his press release on the matter, which you can read here. It seems AOL News misreported some of this story, which is probably less surprising than the fact that there’s still an AOL News.

Santa also took offense at my questioning his goal of combating the commercialization of Christmas by donning the name and visage of a North Pole slave driver and manufacturing tycoon. He points out that the Santa figure is based on the historical St. Nicholas, who was definitely no secular, capitalist mascot. This is true. However, I’m reluctant to cede my point, since St. Nicholas is depicted throughout European folklore as carrying a giant sack meant to store naughty children he’s kidnapped. This seems to run counter to Santa Claus’ admirable work as an advocate for children everywhere. But perhaps this is just splitting hairs.

Santa Claus, an ordained bishop of the tiny Apostles’ Anglican Church, says the Vatican hasn’t done enough to curb the raping of children by clergy, and he’s willing to take the pope to court if things don’t change. But while most of us are decidedly anti-child rape, it’s difficult to take this threat seriously. For one thing, it’s difficult to see how Santa Claus could sue the Roman Catholic Church, since he isn’t a child and has never been raped by a priest. Also, he’s a man from Lake Tahoe who legally changed his name to “Santa Claus” because he has a long white beard. If every man with a long white beard changed his name to “Santa Claus”, then every December, our malls would be overrun by hobos. Well, more hobos. Oddly, Santa Claus says his mission in life is to combat the commercialization of Christmas, which should be focused on celebrating the birth of Christ over rampant consumerism. But he’s chosen to do this by invoking a character known to run a North Pole sweatshop where indentured elves are forced to manufacture goods year-round. Mixed messages. More details here.

Adormination

2010-07-29T18:03:00.001-05:00

Well, looks like we’ve laughed in the face of God and created a horrifying hybrid of a zebra and a donkey. This is the new Babel. Our hubris will spell our doom. More details here.

TruthiLeaks

2010-07-29T16:02:00.000-05:00

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been all over the news lately in his capacity as the shadowy mastermind behind a massive document dump about the war in Afghanistan. Also, for his beloved role in the “Warlock” films. But while the U.S. government props up a human-sized box with a stick they’ve tied to a string and tries to figure out what they can put underneath to lure Assange into their trap (judging by his public appearances, not shampoo), many others have praised him for shining a light on a dire situation the regular media is either too disinterested or too incompetent to cover. Personally, I come out on the pro-Assange side, since more information is generally better than less information. Also, I love those “Warlock” movies. But there’s one group Assange hasn’t impressed: 9/11 truthers. Indeed, the truther websites are abuzz with condemnations of Assange for what they feel is proof that he’s just another corporate shill. Namely, they find it suspicious that in all his research, dumping, and leaking, there’s no evidence at all that the U.S. government caused 9/11. Which has the Warlock annoyed. “Any time people with power plan in secret, they are conducting a conspiracy. So there are conspiracies everywhere,” Assange said. “There are also crazed conspiracy theories. It's important not to confuse these two. Generally, when there's enough facts about a conspiracy we simply call this news. I'm constantly annoyed that people are distracted by false conspiracies such as 9/11, when all around we provide evidence of real conspiracies, for war or mass financial fraud.” And you know what happens when he gets annoyed? Deadly magicks. More details here.

I Can Never Forgive Them for Spelunking My Boy

2010-07-29T14:01:00.001-05:00

While Arizona destroys its economy by scaring all brown people into taking their wallets out of state, Australia is taking an opposite yet no less foolish path. Bowing to pressure from so-called “Klingon scholars” from the U.S., the Jenolan Caves tourist attraction near Sydney will soon offer an audio tour in the fictional Klingon language. Let me be clear about this: I have nothing against actual Klingons. I don’t know any personally, but I’m sure they’re lovely creatures. If a little culturally homogeneous in a racially disturbing way. But Australia is asking for trouble by opening their borders to Klingon language enthusiasts who are themselves un-Klingon. I have some personal experience with these types, and the hygiene issues alone should put all of Australia’s airports on high alerts. SARS is nothing compared to the respiratory illnesses one can catch walking behind someone’s homemade battle armor. Plus, if all our Klingon impersonators flock to these caves, the world economy could collapse due to a sudden shortage of IT managers and electrical engineers. More details here.

Ramsey vs. Dictionary

2010-07-28T15:17:00.001-05:00

There’s some tension between Muslims and Christians in the great state of Tennessee. Specifically, the Christians would prefer the Muslims left. But because of liberal propaganda like the Bill of Rights, U.S. citizens are free to practice whatever religion they choose. But Ron Ramsey (current Tennessee lieutenant governor, gubernatorial candidate, and ~~gay porn star~~ [ed. - different Ron Ramsey]) may have found a workaround. At a campaign event, Ramsey responded to one voter’s paranoid railings about a Muslim “invasion” by saying he’s not sure whether Islam qualifies for constitutional protection, since it may not be a religion. “You can even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, a way of life, or a cult,” he said. Good point. Religion is protected in this country, but no one has the right to be any kind of nationality they want. And they certainly don’t have a right to just go living “a way of life” all willy-nilly. At issue here is the proposed expansion of an Islamic community center in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, which some residents fear will become a terrorist training ground. That may or may not be true, but it’s almost certain that the center would be a main attraction for Murfreesboro youth, whose current free time is split between huffing model airplane glue and driving trucks into telephone poles. More details here.

Tony Toni Gone

2010-07-28T13:16:00.001-05:00

BP CEO and part-time Michael Sheen impersonator Tony Hayward has finally been given the axe after generally handling one of the largest ecological disasters in human history like a 7-year-old reluctant to clean his room. Unfortunately, this axe is made of at least $1.6 million in severance pay, along with $17 million in accrued pension benefits. Plus, Hayward will still hold a position with BP as non-executive director of its Russian oil operations. In other words, this isn’t really an axe at all. More like a soft pat on the bottom. Still, it’s good to see that BP has replaced Hayward with an American, Robert Dudley. Perhaps future criminal hearings will go better without that smug British accent making everything the CEO says sound like evidence of criminal negligence. More details here.

The Fleeing Nuns

2010-07-28T11:15:00.002-05:00

Two elderly French nuns, Sister Marie-Daniel, 86, and Sister Saint-Denis, 82, are on the run after escaping their Riviera nunnery. The nuns were apparently upset that the Vatican planned to forcibly move them to a retirement community. Rather then allowing themselves to be left to rot in some old folks’ home, they decided to take their chances in the wild. It’s important for the people of France to know a thing or two about nun safety in case these ladies aren’t immediately trapped and returned to their owners. First of all, nuns are more scared of you than you are of them. If you find one has slipped through the doggy door in your kitchen, it’s best not to freak out. She’ll likely flee on sight, and you’ll only be out a couple of Pringles or so. But while they’re mostly docile, you should never corner one. Some nuns have filed their nails down to razor-sharp claws, and they’ll attack if threatened. Best to calmly back out of the room while maintaining eye contact. If possible, try and trap her behind a locked door and call your local authorities for pickup. Whatever you do, don’t feed them. At heart, nuns are wild creatures who make terrible pets. More details here.

In Lew of Working

2010-07-20T12:46:00.001-05:00

President Obama has nominated Jack Lew to run the White House Office of Management and Budget after departing director Peter Orszag. But it seems some are concerned Lew may not be the best fit for the job, since he refuses to work on the Sabbath. After sundown on Fridays, Lew sits at home and observes the strict orthodox Jewish tradition of doing absolutely nothing for twenty-four hours. Once, when Lew worked for Bill Clinton’s White House, he refused to answer a Saturday phone call from the president, as he believed himself prohibited from using electronic devices. His rabbi has since convinced him using the phone is okay in case of emergencies. But it’s worth noting that having a government official take a day to just cool his heels and do nothing might be a net positive for the country. Perhaps if our congress took a day each week to just sit and contemplate the tragedies of their existences, we might find ourselves with a more introspective, self-aware legislature. On the downside, though, a day of rest would probably wreak havoc on D.C.’s rentboy industry. More details here.

Cross on the Lam

2010-07-20T10:45:00.001-05:00

A relic of the cross where Christ was crucified has been stolen from the Cathedral of the Holy Cross in Boston. A janitor discovered the crime, which someone committed by sneaking into the church’s Blessed Sacrament Chapel and simply prying open the lid of the glass box where the cross piece was kept. Pretty lax security for such a powerful relic. According to legend, this cross piece was laid upon the body of an ailing old lady, curing the living shit out of her. I don’t have to tell you how dangerous it is to have such healing magics in the hands of criminals. Police started their search for the relic by doing an eBay search for “one true cross”, which turned up a few unpromising leads. It seems lots of people claim to have a piece of the cross. So many, in fact, that there are enough pieces of the “one true cross” to build many, many crosses. Still, the Boston Archdiocese says it doesn’t matter whether this relic is genuine or not; it’s an important focal point for contemplation of Christ’s suffering and a valuable object of prayer. With crimes like this, however, it’s rare that the stolen item is ever recovered. In which case, the church will just have to change its name to the Cathedral of the Empty Box. More details here.

Pyramid Positivity

2010-07-14T16:01:00.000-05:00

India has about 114,000 traffic fatalities a year. This is mostly because many Indian drivers are never taught how to drive a car, roads collapse into each other like an M.C. Escher drawing, and Indian teens have only just caught up to 1950s California dragster culture. (Only one of these is a lie.) But one mystic says traffic accidents are mostly caused by negative energy, and he plans to reduce them by installing pyramids near crash-prone intersections. Local police in Nagpur are allowing this expert in Vasnu (basically Indian Feng Shui) to place ten copper-bottom pyramids in these areas to see if they really do emit positivity rays. It’s a nearly risk-free situation, since the pyramids aren’t costing the government anything, and they’ll also continue to try and curb road deaths through more traditional means. The only real danger here is that cars might crash into the pyramids themselves, which will obviously be filled with deadly, perpetually sharp razor blades. More details here.

Xenu vs. Cooper

2010-07-14T14:00:00.001-05:00

Anderson Cooper, CNN’s second handsomest personality behind Soledad O’Brien, has stirred the ire of the Church of Scientology after running a week-long expose on the cult’s history of treating its lower-tier members to regular beatings. Several former Scientologists have come forward in recent years to tell the world of their regular punch sessions with church officials, particularly at the fists of leader David Miscavige. The cult’s take? All lies. Oh, and Anderson Cooper is a jerk who wears fancy clothes. In a cover story for Scientologist magazine “Freedom”, Cooper is accused of having a journalistic double standard when it comes to his Scientology investigations. "...when an earthquake reduces Haiti to rubble, there he is, on site in designer jeans or cargo pants, to verify for himself that the villages were indeed reduced to rubble...Anderson Cooper has got to see it with his own two eyes while furrowing his brow to show how much he cares. But this time, Cooper refused to look.” In other words, Cooper’s very thorough in covering international humanitarian disasters, so he should be equally as thorough in covering the international humanitarian disaster that is the Church of Scientology? Seems like a strange message to send, but there it is. Strangely, the church complains that Cooper wouldn’t talk to their higher-ups for his reports, but they also insist that the only CNN host qualified to interview Miscavige is Larry King. This is the same Larry King, you recall, who lobs so many softballs he might as well be a lesbian physical education major. BOOM! More details here.

Cryptogoogology

2010-07-13T16:24:00.001-05:00

All sorts of strange things have turned up in Google Street View photos. People engaged in domestic disputes. Mary Poppins. Detroit. But now we have our first genuine image of an abominable hell-beast. The above photo, taken in Yorkshire, which is somewhere in Middle Earth, clearly depicts a three-legged, two-headed monstrosity that should be stabbed with pitchforks and burned immediately by local villagers. But in a weasly attempt to avoid a lawsuit, Google claims this isn’t a monster at all but simply a photographic error created by splicing together two images of the same man. After hours spent Googling the situation, I’ve concluded that this is a lie. The monster hunt continues. More details here.

Manga Mad

2010-07-13T14:23:00.001-05:00

A Florida woman says her son has been mentally damaged by manga he checked out of his local library. Well, he didn’t check it out so much as slip it under his shirt and walk off with it, but what’s the difference, really? Socialism is socialism. It’s unclear exactly which manga series so decimated this boy’s brain, but library officials say it was no worse than any other serialized Japanese graphic fiction. So, I’m assuming it had something to do with giant robots, androgynous heroes, and/or pantie-sniffing grandpas. Still, Margaret Barbaree wants this filth removed from public consumption. “My son lost his mind when he found this,” she told her local city council. “Now he’s in a home for extensive therapy.” On behalf of her newly-formed busybody group Protect Our Children, Barbaree gathered signatures on a petition calling for the removal of this ungodly manga. Only, many of the signatories say she only told them it was a petition about cleaning the library of pornography. Same diff. More details here.

Squidong

2010-07-12T12:57:00.000-05:00

For years, the mating habits of deep-sea squid have been a mystery. With all their naughty bits encased in their hood-like mantles, how do males get their sperm where it needs to go? Turns out, the answer is simple. They have a tremendously elongated dong. Scientists recently discovered a squid specimen with a fully erect penis nearly as long as its entire body, including tentacles. It’s the white tube at the bottom of the above picture. They still don’t know exactly where the squid shoots its packets of sperm, but it’s certain the penis is long enough to squirm its way up even the toughest to reach mantles. (Coincidentally, this is also how Tom Jones inseminates squid.) Dr. Alexander Arkhipkin of the Falkland Islands Government Fisheries Department describes the moment of discovery to the BBC: “The mature male squid was caught during a deep-water research cruise on the Patagonian slope. We took the animal from the catch, and it was moribund with arms and tentacles still moving, and chromatophores on the skin contracting and expanding. When the mantle of the squid was opened for maturity assessment, we witnessed an unusual event. The penis of the squid, which had extended only slightly over the mantle margin, suddenly started to erect, and elongated quickly to 67cm total length, almost the same length as the whole animal.” You’d be forgiven for mistaking this quote for a passage from Jules Verne’s “Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea”, but remember: Captain Nemo would have eaten the penis. More details here.

Sick

2010-07-12T10:56:00.002-05:00

UPDATE: A little late to this, but the news is good. America is once again safe for ~~hot~~ ~~really, really hot~~ disgusting porn.

This week, pornographer John Stagliano is due to stand trial on federal obscenity charges. Yes, obscenity is still illegal in the United States, despite the fact that no court could tell you what it even is. Traditionally, obscenity has been defined as anything that happens to make a jury of randomly-selected people uncomfortable. But one need only look at the box office returns of “Grown Ups” to prove the general public often has questionable taste. Plus, there’s the whole thing about how criminalizing tastelessness is like spraying boiled diarrhea all over the First Amendment. (Warning: That simile is obscene.) Still, pesky things like a respect for free speech didn’t stop a team of federal agents from ordering Stagliano’s “Milk Nymphos”, “Storm Squirters 2: Target Practice”, and a trailer for videos starring Belladonna, one of the ~~hottest~~ most obscene porn stars around. If convicted, Stagliano faces up to 32 years in jail and a $7 million fine. For selling pornography to consenting adults. As an assault on freedom, this trial is more obscene than any lactation fetish video, and far less arousing. Even worse, it could have a chilling effect on the porn industry that would seriously cripple my ability to enjoy adult entertainment. Keep an eye on this, America. More details here.

My Favorite Martians

2010-07-08T16:53:00.001-05:00

50-year-old Keith Rasmussen of Racine, Wisconsin was recently arrested for crashing his SUV into a strip club. Allegedly, Rasmussen was asked to leave the club after vomiting in the VIP room. He reportedly stumbled to his car in the parking lot, put it in reverse, and backed into the front of the club before driving away at a high rate of speed. But when the police finally caught up with Rasmussen, he said he never driven any such SUV. When asked how he got from the club to his current location several blocks away, he claimed that he’d received transportation assistance from Martians. This may or may not be true, but it’s worth noting that Martian society is notoriously conservative. One might even call them prudish. It’s no stretch of the imagination to believe they might offer a free taxi service away from strip clubs as some kind of moral cleansing initiative. Which is really a shame, considering Martians also have some of the most beautiful genitalia in the entire solar system. Second only to the Neptunians’ famed sparkledongs. More details here.

Pew, Pew!

2010-07-08T14:52:00.002-05:00

Oh, Bobby Jindal. My exorcism-loving, hacktastic, insufferably creepy governor is at it again. Just a few weeks ago, he signed into law a bill that requires any woman seeking an abortion to first undergo an ultrasound. Apparently, women shouldn’t have the right to terminate a pregnancy (even in cases of rape or incest) without paying a doctor to insert a wand into her vagina first. But don’t let that make you think Jindal is some kind of freedom hater. Because he also signed into law a bill that allows people with concealed weapons permits to carry their guns into church. Defenders of the new law say that churches can be dangerous places besieged by muggers, gangsters, and rapists. And I, for one, am all for this kind of deadly self-protection. Here’s hoping a good Samaritan will find it in his hard to shoot these rapist off their church-going targets before they can impregnate someone and force her to get an ultrasound before having an abortion. More details here.

Scope the Monkey

2010-07-08T12:51:00.001-05:00

85 years ago, the Scopes Trial in Dayton, Tennessee put the teaching of evolution before the courts. Obviously, evolution and its implications of a godless universe aren’t a big deal for anyone these days, but at the time, it was a controversial issue. As such, the “Baltimore Sun” sent its genius reporter and satirist H.L. Mencken to cover the trial via regular dispatches. To commemorate the event, “Amateur Scientist Podcast” friend Kevin I. Slaughter is releasing audio adaptations of Mencken’s reports through a new podcast. It’s a great idea executed beautifully. Check it out.

BullshiTORI

2010-06-29T17:55:00.000-05:00

Former “90210” star and lifetime nepotism receptacle Tori Spelling (the one on the left) claims that during a session with celebrity psychic John Edward, she was contacted by the late Farrah Fawcett. “I can't believe she came through to me -- the most nonconfrontational person in the world,” Spelling said. “What am I supposed to do with this information?” Who can really understand the motivations of dead people who only communicate in charades via a mush-mouthed douchebag like John Edward? It’s possible Fawcett’s ghost mistook Spelling for someone else. Or she’s just a horrifying, undead prankster. Or Spelling’s just making the whole thing up to promote her new book “TerriTORI”. (Get it? It’s about the time a mad scientist tried to create a plastic, cat-faced abomination by fusing Tori Spelling and Teri Hatcher.) Apparently, Spelling’s been doing all sorts of weird stuff on her book tour, including making up a nightmare scenario where all her former cast mates hate her. Which is, like, totally something Donna would do. What a drama queen! More details here.

Apes Kill Apes

2010-06-29T15:54:00.000-05:00

Scientists from the University of Michigan claim to have observed chimps in Tanzania killing each other to gain territory. In other words, they believe apes are capable of waging war on one another. This is patently absurd, as apes are well known to abhor violence toward one another. And when one ape violated this law, the consequences are harsh:

Steers and Queers

2010-06-29T13:52:00.001-05:00

The Republican Party of Texas just published its new policy strategy and official platform for the next two years, and it’s awfully pre-occupied with hot man-on-man action. Specifically, they want anyone issuing a gay marriage license to be brought up on felony charges. And they definitely don’t want homosexuality referred to as an alternative lifestyle in public schools. Plus, they took this opportunity to reiterate the fact that God hates fags. This may seem needlessly harsh coming from a state where the men where skinny Wranglers and belt jewelry, but you must understand that Texas was nearly decimated under the rule of known homosexual George W. Bush. Texans also lost the Alamo to the Mexican army due to Davy Crockett’s preoccupation with what he called “booty roopin’”. But it’s not like gay sex is the only sex Texas Republicans hate. They can’t stand any sex. So their official platform also calls for banning any “sexually-oriented business”. Which, of course, would include such smut dens as strip clubs, novelty shops, adult book stores, and gynecology clinics. That’s right, girls. If God had wanted you spreading it for strange doctors, He wouldn’t have invented cervical cancer. More details here.

It’s What Gamers Crave!

2010-06-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

Some horrible company is marketing a new brand of snacks called Gamer Grub. These are sealed pouches full of bite-sized morsels meant to be tipped back and swallowed by people too busy playing video games to eat human food with two hands and/or utensils. Which seems unnecessary, since there are already several different types of bite-sized, bag-based snacks out there. But what sets Gamer Grub apart is its claim to provide its victims with vitamins and neurotransmitters that can boost video game performance. The excellent gaming site Kotaku has a review here. No, the photo is not of a handful of off-brand kibbles.

Kill Switch

2010-06-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

There’s a bill before the U.S. Senate that would grant the president emergency powers to shut down the internet. Which at first glance seems like another example of our congresspeople having little to no idea what technology is or how it works. The idea that the president could run some kind of giant off switch directly to the Oval Office seems pretty ludicrous even before you ponder whether he or she should have such power at all. But before you poo-poo the feasibility of this bill, you might want to read “Star Trek: The Return” by William Shatner and his army of unpaid Malaysian ghostwriters. In it, Captain Kirk returns from the grave and saves the universe from a Borg invasion by going to their home planet and flipping a giant off switch that shuts down their entire race. So, not so silly after all, is it? And while we’re on the subject, there should really be some wording in there about banning William Shatner from using this power should he ever become president. It’s one thing to worry that he might use it, but it’s another to know that he already has. More details here.

The Monkey Box

2010-06-21T18:36:00.000-05:00

Japanese scientists have conclusively proven that monkeys enjoy watching television. So, think about that the next time you criticize me for keeping my monkey locked up in a 2’x2’ steel box for days at a time with only a portable DVD player and a box set of “The Wire”. Researchers used near-infrared spectroscopy to determine that when monkeys watched circus animals perform acrobatics on TV, their brains’ pleasure centers lit up in roughly the same way a human baby’s does when it sees its mother smile. Just one more thing we have in common with monkeys. Of course, we won’t know the full effect television can have on a monkey’s brain until we show them the dinner scene from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”. But that’s what grant money is for. More details here.

Limp Ladies Remain Limp

2010-06-21T16:35:00.000-05:00

The drug flibanserin is supposed to be the Viagra for pre-menopausal women with a low sex drive, but FDA trials have shown it doesn’t work much better than placebo. This may be bad news for women who’d love a way to bolster their libidos, but it’s great news for America’s unfrozen ‘80s standup comics. If somehow women could reverse the perception that they’re generally far less interested in sex than men, these comics would lose another of their dwindling material wells, which include the relatively low quality of airplane food, the natural dancing talents of black people, and musings on the biological origins of the McNugget. Still, it’s a good thing my lady doesn’t need a pill to get in the mood. All I have to do is a little bit of laundry once in a while! Am I right, guys? But seriously, what part of the chicken does a McNugget come from? More details here.

Gentlemen Prefer Blonde Bigfeet

2010-06-21T14:34:00.000-05:00

A North Carolina man says he was spending a typical night sounding his coyote call at three in the morning, only to be confronted by the legendary Bigfoot. Only, instead of being a snarling, vicious, brunette monster, this Bigfoot was something of a golden god. “The thing was ten feet tall with beautiful hair. Yellowish hair and a yellow beard,” the man told his local news. Also, this gorgeous vision of cryptozoological perfection appeared to have six fingers on each hand. So it should probably prepare to die. Watch:

Bin Laden Hunter

2010-06-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

A 52-year-old contractor from Colorado has been arrested trying to cross the Pakistan/Afghanistan border. According to Pakistani police, Gary Faulkner says he was on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden for organizing the destruction of the World Trade Center on... The date escapes me. Isn’t that weird? Anyway, Faulkner was caught with a pistol, night vision goggles, some Christian literature (“Twilight” books, most likely), and a sword. It’s the sword part that’s getting all the ridicule here, since swords are what crazy people use on assassinations. But I think this was just due diligence on Faulkner’s part. Every government in the world has been hunting bin Laden for almost a decade now, and he’s consistently eluded capture or death. There’s a good chance bin Laden is actually an immortal, in which case severing his head may be the only tried and true method of killing him. So it’s possible the sword was simply a corpse desecrating tool. An insurance policy, you might say. Plus, decapitating him would also keep bin Laden from rising from the grave as a vampire. (“Twilight”.) More details here.

The League of Extraordinary Shit

2010-06-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Some say this photograph of a bird feces splatter on a car windshield captures a divine apparition of comic book writer Alan Moore. I’m not so sure. But as far as divine apparitions go, I’d say it’s much more likely this is Alan Moore than any random splotch or burn or tree gnarl is Jesus or the Virgin Mary or Elvis. Why? Because Alan Moore is a master of chaos magick. And in chaos magick, all things are possible. Moore details here.

Demon Fight

2010-06-15T17:57:00.000-05:00

They say never discuss religion or politics with people. And by “they” I mean “the boring”. What could be more fun? Especially if you treat all those who disagree with you as sub-humans worthy of a phenomenal beating. And by “fun” I mean “criminally deranged”. Three men have been arrested for beating up another man at a Memorial Day bonfire in Illinois. The motive? They were having a religious discussion, and when the victim brought up demons, things got out of hand. There aren’t any more details than this, which is a shame. It’s possible the victim could have told his assailants that he was, in fact, a demon with terrible demon powers. In which case, this could be spun as self defense. But I guess we’ll never know. Fun fact: the three attackers were 18-year-old twin brothers and their 44-year-old father, pictured here in his favorite shirt from Irony Outfitters. More details here.

Muffin’s Devil Music

2010-06-15T15:56:00.001-05:00

I’m not sure why Richard Dawkins ever bothers to write anything when things like this exist:

De Blob

2010-06-15T13:54:00.001-05:00

Scientists at the University of Essex have completed a study comparing the physical fitness of professional video gamers to pro athletes. Turns out the athletes are in better shape, which probably has something to do with the fact that they move around a lot. Thanks, science! While gamers may have better than average reflexes and coordination, they can barely make it to the bathroom without doubling over in agony. But again, this is to be expected from a group of people whose urine is 98% Mountain Dew. More surprising is the fact that professional gamers even exist. Apparently, they can make tens of thousands of dollars per year in prize money, but I wonder about the actual statistics on that. Gamers are often known to stretch the truth. For example, many of them claim “Gears of War” is actually a fun game rather than a mindless slog through an oatmeal-gray universe of shouts and steroids. And despite a total lack of corroborating evidence, some say the reason I’m so terrible at “Gears of War” multiplayer is because I’m “a fucking faggot”. More details here.

Bat-toosie

2010-06-08T16:28:00.005-05:00

A scientist at University College, Cork (British towns have stupid, stupid names) [UPDATE: I've been informed Cork is actually an Irish town. For those who don't know, Ireland is the walled-off area where Britain stores her piles of human garbage.] has been reprimanded for sexually harassing a colleague. But unlike normal sexual predators who simply cop feels or leave their pubic hairs on Diet Coke cans, this professor allegedly attempted to arouse a co-worker by sending her a link to a study on bat fellatio. The woman complained, and the university found in her favor. But the professor feels he's been wrongly accused, claiming that he only sent the bat blowjob story because is was relevant to his field of study. And a cadre of academics has expressed support for the professor, saying that reprimanding a scientist for distributing a scientific study is an affront to academic freedom. That may be true, but I think we're missing the forest for the trees here. What I want to know is why anyone would think a story about bat fellatio is sexually arousing? I mean, I'm as freaky as anyone, but even the taboo aspect isn't enough to turn my crank, since BATS ARE HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING CREATURES. I'm not saying they don't have any value in nature. I'm only suggesting they should be eradicated. Unless they know how to deepthroat, of course. More details here.

Infundelity

2010-06-08T16:28:00.004-05:00

Botticelli's "Venus and Mars", the wispy scene of Mars and Venus lounging about post-adulterous liaison, has long been seen as a celebration of sex. Especially behind the back of Venus' husband Vulcan, who was an asshole who deserved it. But new analysis may provide a different perspective on the classic painting. In one corner of the canvas, a satyr is shown holding some kind of fruit. A Sotheby's employee consulted with some horticulturalists to find out what kind of fruit this is. Turns out it's Datura stramonium, a.k.a. Devil's trumpet, a mind-altering plant which causes lethargy and a feeling of heat that makes people want to take off their clothes. Where can you get your hands on this plant? I'm not sure. I've called my guy. But in the meantime, we're left to wonder whether Venus and Mars are depicted in post-coital bliss or simply hopped up on the trumpet. Whatever the outcome, we know this much to be true: Vulcan was an asshole. Seriously, fuck that guy. More details here.

Profifearing

2010-06-08T16:27:00.002-05:00

Of course the world's going to end. Everything does. Which raises a few existential questions. Most importantly, will a post-apocalyptic world still have sloppy joes? Thankfully, one company has an answer. Entrepreneur Robert Vicino is collecting deposits on behalf of his company Vivos to build a 13,000 doomsday shelter somewhere in the Mojave Desert. Not only will it accommodate at least 132 people in its nuke-proof bunker, but it will also feature an atrium, a gym, and a restaurant with (thank God) sloppy joes on the menu. "I'm careful not to promote fear," Vicino said, before going on to promote fear by adding, "But sooner or later, I think you're going to need to seek shelter." Truer words were never spoken by someone swimming in a pool full of fear money. More details here.

Guppy Spunk

2010-06-04T13:02:00.001-05:00

Scientists at the University of Western Australia have determined that ugly guppies have better sperm. There's a lot of competition between males in the guppy world. Baby batter that can swim harder and faster than its rivals has a better chance of getting a lady pregnant, which is all those uptight guppy chicks are interested in. Some males try to get a leg up on their rivals by making sure they're as colorful and attractive as possible. But these males often tend to have weaker sperm, which may explain their overcompensation. It's important to note, however, that the same theory doesn't hold true in humans. Many men would like to think that attractive guys who put a minimal amount of effort into their appearance are secretly sexual retards, but that just isn't the case. It's less likely that a soiled t-shirt-wearing video gamer with a grease helmet will have robust sperm than it is his sperm have been permanently irradiated by the years he's spent warming his balls on the power brick of a Sega Dreamcast. More details here.

Beware the Grim Eater

2010-06-04T11:01:00.001-05:00

Bad news, New Zealand. There's a grim eater on the loose. But despite the fact that yours is an island chain populated by fantastical creatures such as orcs, hobbits, and Lucy Lawless, the grim eater isn't some kind of ancient monster. Instead, he's just an unidentified man who happens to enjoy attending funerals for people he doesn't know and stealing a bunch of food. According to witnesses, he carries a backpack full of Tupperware containers, which he fills with anything he can pilfer from the buffet. Which is disappointing. Not because these poor mourners are short a few pigs-in-a-blanket. But because "grim eater" should be a term reserved exclusively for characters that appear on Hot Topic t-shirts, in Neil Gaiman novels, or on a Hot Topic t-shirt worn by someone reading a Neil Gaiman novel. More details here.

The Hopper Files

2010-06-04T11:00:00.000-05:00

We're sure to see many loving tributes to recently-deceased actor Dennis Hopper. Prepare for a lengthy applause break during next year's Academy Awards death montage, for example. And the next time you visit your friend with the collection of "Waterworld" action figures, don't be surprised if they're draped with a black cloth. But paranormal researcher Jon Kelly is celebrating Hopper's life not as an accomplished thespian, but as a proponent of true facts about UFOs. According to Kelly, Hopper's scene with Jack Nicholson in "Easy Rider" laid out many realities about extraterrestrial visitation that the public had yet to absorb. In the film, Hopper tells Nicholson about the strange lights he's seen in the sky, and Nicholson launches into an explanation of how aliens began building bases on the earth in the late '40s, after humans "started bouncin' radar beams off the moon". Kelly says before this scene, ideas like this were dismissed as belonging only to "marginalized kooks". "Easy Rider", he suggests, might have been created in part to indoctrinate the public to the realities of extraterrestrial visitation. Although that doesn't seem like the best idea, since the characters in the film are almost all marginalized kooks. Anyway, you can read more about Kelly's hypothesis here. Watch the scene yourself and make up your own mind:

Coke Rot

2010-06-03T19:38:00.000-05:00

Bad news, coke heads. Your flesh might be rotting off. According to a new report in "Annals of Internal Medicine" ("annals"...heh, heh), nearly 80% of cocaine in the U.S. is cut with levamisole, a veterinary anti-worming agent that can cause a drop in white blood cell count and the disintegration of your outer skin layers. Doctors discovered the connection after noticing purplish, rotting lesions on patients with a history of cocaine use. There's no way of knowing if your coke has levamisole in it, nor is there any way of knowing exactly how you'll react to it. So, better safe than sorry is the takeaway here, I guess. In other words, I picked the wrong week to quit heroin. More details here.

3Bee

2010-06-03T17:37:00.000-05:00

Researchers at Punjab University claim to have discovered the reason for the decline in bee populations these last few years. They say an atmosphere full of cell phone signals gunks up the bees' workings and slows down their reproduction. The fact that bees have been dying off lately isn't controversial. Great Britain alone has recorded a 15% decline in bee populations in the last two years. And the number of Pooh bears found stuck in treeholes has similarly fallen. But to this layperson's mind, there seem to be a couple of problems with this particular study. The scientists set up two bee hives. One had working cell phones attached to it, and the other was fitted with dummy phones. They say the hive with the real phones shrunk, its queen produced fewer eggs, and its workers stopped making honey. But the thing is: cell phone signals are everywhere. Sticking a dummy phone to a bee hive isn't going to protect it from the radio signals flying through the air. Plus, similar signals have been transmitting since the dawn of radio. So why are the bees dying off now? I'm no researcher, I have no science degree, and I'm pretty much an idiot. But this smells like bullshit to me. For what that's worth. More details here.

Cover or Walk

2010-06-03T15:36:00.002-05:00

Five female anchors at Al-Jazeera, the Arabic news network, have quit after being pressured by executives to wear more modest clothing. Lest you think Al-Jazeera is anything like Naked News, you should know that these anchors usually don't wear anything sexier than a blouse under a suit jacket. But then again, they have been known to show a hint of clavicle from time to time, which is prettyUGGGHHH!!! I just came all over my keyboard. Apparently, the key issue here is these women's refusal to cover their hair, which is seen as disgustingly provocative by a large portion of the network's Middle Eastern audience. No, their hair doesn't have tits all in it. This isn't an early "Star Trek" episode we're talking about here. It's just hair. But that's enough to throw some psychopaths into a homicidal rage. People are weird. More details here.

Eat Da Poo Poo

2010-06-02T19:33:00.003-05:00

Uganda may be full of homicidally insane homophobes who'd love nothing more than to literally destroy the lives of all gay people within and without their borders, but it's important to let them have their say. Apparently, the reason they hate the queers has nothing to do with religious fundamentalism or even self-centered bigotry. It's all because of what should and should not be done with "doo doo". Warning: You probably shouldn't let your children watch this video, but you definitely SHOULD show them how feces is consumed through a human anus BEFORE sending them out of the room.

I Feel Better

2010-06-02T17:32:00.000-05:00

Look, I can't embed it here, but you must click through to YouTube and watch the video for "I Feel Better" by Hot Chip. Not enough musical groups are addressing important issues about the horrible powers we just grant willy-nilly to our cancer patients.

Moonbots

2010-06-02T15:31:00.000-05:00

The Japanese aren't letting the world economic apocalypse get them down. While NASA announced plans to sell the Space Shuttles to the highest bidder and trade the Constellation program for the right to strap our astronauts to Russia's rocket bumpers, Japan has announced its goal of building a robot moon base by 2020. Unlike the little R/C cars we've been sending to Mars, Japanese moonbots will be vaguely humanoid, with two arms, a torso, and a head-like area. Of course, this is strictly required by Japanese laws mandating that all robotic entities be at least semi-fuckable. But still. Having a functional moon base is an important step toward better exploring the solar system. Plus, it'll be a great place for space explorers to get away from the wife for a few days and fuck a robot or two. More details here.

Under the Diving Helmet

2010-06-02T13:28:00.000-05:00

Over at The Skeptical Review, our own Karl Mamer has a lengthy and insightful interview with our own Doctor Atlantis. You may remember Doctor Atlantis for his contribution to the Amateur Scientist Podcast Halloween special or from his dealings with Glenn Beck's army of seed people. Or from some tentacle fetishist program he hosts. And you may remember Karl from his years spent chronicling mediocre podcasts and their gimpish creators. He also interviewed me for The Skeptical Review not long ago, and aside from the part about my relationship with Helen Mirren (it was STRICTLY consensual), I was quoted warmly and accurately.

Poo and Run

2010-06-02T11:27:00.001-05:00

Public service announcement: If you're at the ATM in Toronto and someone tells you you have poop on your pants, probably best to run away. Police are investigating a series of robberies in which the perps approach ATMs and splatter patrons with liquid feces from squirt bottles. While pretending to help their marks dab at the dooky stains, the bandits then make off with a wad of cash. This is a unique approach to the old bait and switch style of short con, but I'm a little surprised it works so well. I can't think of anything more embarrassing than being caught in public with visible mudbutt except for maybe being caught in public with visible mudbutt and having someone offer to help me clean it up. I may not assume this person is a robber, but I'd definitely suspect he might be some kind of coprophile. Regardless, citizens of the greater Toronto area should be on the lookout for gentlemen skulking around ATMs with bottles full of brown liquid. So, you know, proceed as usual. More details here.

Frogger

2010-05-28T10:37:00.000-05:00

A Greek highway has been shut down due to an influx of "millions" of frogs from a nearby lake. More details here. Re-enactment below:

Eyeballing

2010-05-28T10:36:00.001-05:00

No one has a finger on the pulse of current youth trends like the stodgy old matron of traditional media. Think about it: If it weren't for local TV news and weekend style sections of the newspaper, how would you know that the kids these days are into baggy pants, hip hop dancing, and "fisting"? You wouldn't, grandpa. So instead of blowing off this story as more trend-mongering bullshit, you should instead be grateful that someone's trying to keep you relevant. According to people, kids are engaging in a dangerous practice called "eyeballing" wherein they pour vodka directly into their eyes in order to get "crunk" (a portmanteau of "drunk" and "cunt"). Doctors say this is a bad idea, since the alcohol in vodka can eat away at layers of the cornea. But little do these doctors know, kids today think corneas are "whack" (a portmanteau of "actuary" and "whack"). So, if you see a young person pouring vodka directly into his eyes, best to snatch the bottle out of his hand and smash it on his face. Or you could kneel down next to him and pour a liter of Grey Goose into your own eyes. I hear there's nothing kids like more than adults trying desperately to be their friends. More details here.

How to Handle Hitler

2010-05-27T18:01:00.000-05:00

Louis C.K. is one of the world's finest comedians. I'd argue he's the world's FINEST comedian, but Glenn Beck is still alive. Anyway, here's an improvisational set from Louis C.K. wherein he proposes a novel idea for dealing with Adolf Hitler via time travel. Scientists should take note.

Handsy

2010-05-27T16:00:00.000-05:00

Years after their initial discovery, scientists have declared a strange walking fish to be a new species. The pink handfish uses its fins to walk along the ocean floor rather than swimming like a respectable member of its race. Little is known about these creatures other than the fact that they're terrifying freaks. If we allow fish to evolve hands, it will destroy the commercial seafood industry. How are anglers going to catch their prey when the fish can simply grab the hooks with their veiny little paws and pull the bait right off? Luckily, we don't have to worry about exterminating these beasts before they can breed. The Japanese are known for their lust of all animals' most distinctive appendages. It won't be long before the pink handfish is rendered extinct from some Tokyo restaurant's ambitious all-fish hand soup menu. More details here.

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Ghost

2010-05-27T13:59:00.002-05:00

So, CCTV footage from a parking lot at a Scottish hotel shows a strange object some say is a ghost. That's not so unusual. When confronted with anomalous images, the Scottish often jump directly to the ghost theory, since their land is teeming with malcontented spirits. You see, ghosts are often doomed to walk the earth after suffering a violent death, and 92% of the deaths in Scotland can be attributed to aggravated boredom. But I'm pretty sure this image isn't of a ghost. Watching the footage, you can clearly see rain falling. And if you've ever seen rain fall on a camera lens, you know that's exactly what this thing is. But click through to the source link and take a gander at the comments. Someone is defiantly proclaiming that this footage was not taken on a rainy night, despite the appearance of water droplets falling from the sky. You might think this is a case study in willful delusion, but you'd be wrong. Not many realize, but the Scottish government pays operatives to deny rain ever falls in the country, lest the rumor drive down tourism revenue and, consequently, undertaker profits. In other words, Scotland is a wet, dull mess. More details here.

Electronic Closet Opener

2010-05-19T19:42:00.000-05:00

It may be a savvy advertising slogan, but there really is an iPhone app for just about everything. Whether you want to make surreptitious fart noises bellow from your pocket, play games with your greasy thumbs blocking the screen, or do things you'd do on a computer only at a fraction of the size and with twice the awkward fumbling, there's almost nothing you can't accomplish with Apple's amazing devices. Now, there's the Get Out GLBT app, which provides helpful resources for gay people who want to come out of the closet. No, it won't generate a hypnotic, sub-audible tone to lull your bigoted parents into a false sense of security. It's really just a glorified forum. Still, it's in your pocket at all times, which could come in handy. Or, if you've downloaded it to your iPad, it's in your lap. Which is really kind of a burden. More details here.

Driving Druid

2010-05-19T17:43:00.000-05:00

The Austrian government has hired a gang of Druids to make their roadways safer using ancient magics. And they claim a pretty high rate of success. The druids were asked to restore the "terrestrial radiation" to sites that experienced a higher number of traffic accidents than normal. Supposedly, one such site showed a 100% decline in fatal accidents after the druids did their stuff. "We were really skeptical at first," said engineer Harald Dirnbacher, "and certainly didn't want people to know what we were doing, so we kept it a secret." I'm a little confused as to how one goes from skeptical to "okay, we'll hire a team of full-time druids, but we'll keep it on the down low". I suspect this had something to do with the Big Druid lobby. Always trying to muck up the system with their eldritch ways. It's because of them you can't browse the men's racks at Macy's without wading through a mountain of burlap robes. Fucking Druids... More details here.

Sarcasm Scanner

2010-05-19T15:41:00.002-05:00

Researchers at Hebrew University (makers of some of the world's best hot dogs) claim to have created a computer algorithm that can identify sarcasm. This is good news for the millions of autism spectrum geeks who suffer on the internet from an immunity to nuance, as they'll finally be able to understand what everyone's actually talking about. Well, most of the time. The algorithm reportedly has a success rate in the 70% range. Let's just hope they don't feed this thing any of our cherished documents. No one wants to know that when Christ delivered the Sermon on the Mount, he was making the jackoff motion the whole time. More details here.

Gypsies, Trannies, Thieves

2010-05-17T14:38:00.000-05:00

A Portland, Oregon female-to-male transsexual is claiming he was conned out of $150,000 worth of merchandise by a local psychic. The tranny thing wouldn't be an issue except that the psychic contends that her accuser is crazy, alternating between his male and female personas and trying to besmirch her good name. Drakar Druella says he was suffering a mid-life crisis and sought the psychic services of Cathy Stevens, a gypsy fortune teller. According to Druella, Stevens had him purchase a $22,000 Vatican "tabernacle" to cleanse him of negative energy, a $46,000 Hummer to take on spiritual retreats, and $38,000 in Rolex watches for, I'm guessing, telling time. Druella feels duped, though one wonders whether a saner person might have started suspecting foul play after the first $50,000 or so in frivolous charges. But Stevens claims Druella intended to go into business with her and that spending all that money was his idea. She also says the police have targeted her for being a gypsy, thereby violating her religious freedom. I don't know what's what here. Druella seems pretty unhinged, as he claims he was abused in Satanic rituals before the age of five. And Stevens seems like a con woman, since she claims to have psychic powers. The only thing I can say for certain is that this has all the makings of a hilarious third theatrical team-up for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. More details here.

New Forum

2010-05-15T09:29:00.000-05:00

You may not realize, but this site has its own forum, which you can conveniently visit by clicking the "forum" link at the top of the page. What's there? Not much, really. That's where you come in. Feel free to drop by and register your useless opinion about any and all topics. Because if there's one thing the internet needs more of it's useless opinions. And returning visitors should take note of several cosmetic changes. More importantly, there have also been several back-end changes that should make the whole forum experience run a lot smoother. This is all thanks to the coding skills of Richard Peacock, whose years spent learning computer languages were well worth the trading of all human contact. Yes, Richard is the inspiration for the TV movie "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble". No, it wasn't any kind of illness that kept him in there.

FYI

2010-05-14T15:00:00.000-05:00

The earth ate a whole family in ~~Vancouver~~ Quebec. Just so you know. More details here.

Laura Bush: Freedom Figh-- TOO LATE!

2010-05-14T13:00:00.000-05:00

Appearing on a recent edition of "Larry King (Still A)live", former first lady and world record holder for longest time spent not blinking one's eyes (63 years and counting!) Laura Bush revealed that she's a-okay with gay marriage. Also, she's pro-choice and believes it's important that abortion remain legal for "medical reasons and other reasons". Too bad she was never in a position to effectively champion these causes while her husband, the former president of the United States of America, called for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. I understand that literacy was her issue of choice, but was she really that terrible at multitasking? I mean, she took a few minutes every year to show some asshat from the "Today" show around the White House Christmas decorations. She maybe could have mentioned that her husband and the entire political party to which he belonged was dead wrong on civil rights issues. But she probably didn't want to rock the boat. Too much rocking, and you might get a splash in the eyes, and then where would her non-blinking record go? More details here.

Closing the Book on Ethnics

2010-05-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

Not content to have stolen the title of America's Most Backward State from Florida, Arizona has now outlawed ethnic studies classes from it public schools. To review, the state just passed a law requiring police to harass anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant, thereby turning every brown person within its borders into a suspected criminal. Now comes this new bill, which bans any curriculum "designed primarily for pupils of a particular ethnic group", that advocates "the overthrow of the United States government", or that promotes "resentment toward a race or class of people". Two of these criteria I can sort of get behind. If you're going to offer an ethnic studies class, you should probably offer it to students of any race. And it's always a bad idea to push armed revolution to angry teenagers (though I'd also argue that civics classes reveal how deliciously easy it would be to orchestrate a presidential coup...). But the last one seems a step too far. It's impossible to learn anything about the history of North, South, or Central America without creating a resentment toward white Europeans whose first inclination upon spotting New World shores was to play Whack-a-Mole with the heads of the native children swimming to meet their ships. Plus, there was the whole smallpox blanket thing. And the gold thievery. But hey, that's all behind us. There's no reason to feel resentment toward today's white people. Unless you happen to be a brown Arizonan who doesn't like showing his ID to every passing cop. More details here.

Vamps Bite Back

2010-05-13T17:00:00.000-05:00

An anonymous New Zealand man says he was attacked by vampires after waking up in a park after a night of drinking to find bite marks on his neck. You may think this is no big deal in New Zealand, a backward fantasy land crawling with mythical beasts such as orcs, goblins, and Radagast the Brown. But it's a widely accepted fact that vampires don't actually exist outside the sexual fantasies of confused pre-teen girls (also where horses exist). Regardless, it looks like this man was telling the truth. Two people have been arrested and charged with "wounding with intent to render a man unconscious". And at least one of them (pictured) has fessed up to the crime, explaining, "Yeah, I bit a guy ... He hit on my missus. My girlfriend and my mate were biting him. If I'd hit him, I'd have really hurt him, so I thought I'll bite him seeing as they're already biting him." Fair enough. More details here.

In My Country, Aliens Abduct YOU!

2010-05-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, governor of the Russian republic of Kalmykia (also a former chess champion, but that's every Russian), told a radio station that in 1997, he was abducted from his Moscow apartment and taken aboard a spaceship, where aliens communicated with him telepathically. These types of claims aren't uncommon in a country where 70% of all groundwater has been replaced with vodka, but one Russian MP believes there should be a full-scale investigation. The worry is that because Ilyumzhinov is the governor of a Russian republic, he may have shared state secrets with the aliens. According to the MP, the governor should be personally interrogated by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. On the surface, this doesn't sound like an unreasonable request. Better safe than sorry, as they say. Well, in Russia the phrase literally translates as "better thrown out a window by the KGB than sorry", but the sentiment is the same. However, one wonders whether it matters much if aliens have the nuclear launch codes or governmental Facebook passwords or whatever when they have the power to suck people out of their apartment windows and take them on space rides. More details here.

Superweeds: Superweed-ay

2010-05-13T11:28:00.001-05:00

For years, farmers have been spraying their fields with Roundup, the weed-killing miracle chemical that cut down on labor costs and also fed the sociopathic glee of the world's most hateful weedists. But it seems certain species of weed have adapted to the poison, creating a new breed of superweed that could DESTROY THE KNOWN UNIVERSE! Or, at least, raise the cost of food. These superweeds have to be plowed into submission or pulled by hand, adding a premium to the cost of farming. Plus, many farmers purchase genetically modified seeds for Roundup-proof crops. If Roundup stops working on weeds, then there's no reason to use it at all. Thus, there's no reason to purchase these GM seeds, putting mom and pop megacorporations like Monsanto in fiscal trouble. And I'm no scientist, but it doesn't seem like there's any reason why superweeds couldn't also adapt to hand pulling by developing limbs, nervous systems, and their own mechanized weapons. As Jeff Goldblum wisely said, life finds a way. More details here.

CELEBRATHON!

2010-05-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

Do you listen to The Amateur Scientist Podcast? Do you read the blog at AmateurScientist.org? Can you spare some change, mister? Then you might be interested in donating in the very first CELEBRATHON pledge drive!

Using the PayPal button at the bottom of this post, you can donate as much or as little as you can afford. Really, just a buck or two would help. But if you'd like to give more, then there might also be some lovely gifts in store for you.

Donate at least $10, and you'll receive an original piece of digital art depicting the savage evening when Brian Thompson, host of The Amateur Scientist Podcast, was sexually assaulted by Bigfoot, as recounted during our live show in Atlanta earlier this year.

Donate at least $35, and you'll receive an exclusive pledge drive t-shirt featuring your choice of the three designs you see below by the amazing Alan B. (click to embiggen). That's in addition to the aforementioned Bigfoot art. Yes, TWO prizes! I know, right? In the special instructions on the PayPal donation page, just be sure to include your preferred shirt size (S-XXL) as well as the design you'd like (Rabbit, Lion, or Rhino).The CELEBRATHON pledge drive will continue throughout the month of May, during which The Amateur Scientist Podcast will play host to a series of great celebrity guests. As always, the show is free of charge.

Anything you can give is appreciated, but times are obviously tough. If you can't give any money, please show your support by leaving The Amateur Scientist Podcast a review on iTunes. Or just tell a friend about the show.

Thanks!

Abomination

2010-05-05T10:15:00.001-05:00

You thought it was just typical conservative douchebaggery when so many elderly, closeted homosexual Republicans warned that legalizing gay marriage in the U.S. would bring an onslaught of man-on-animal unions. But who's laughing now? Last week, a German man married his dying cat Cecilia. And is gay marriage legal in Germany? You bet it is. Granted, Germans still haven't technically legalized human/beast marriage, but at the very least, this story is proof of concept for slippery slopers on the religious right. Because no minister worth his weight in incense would officiate at such an unholy ceremony, the man paid an actress $395 to pretend to marry him to his cat, which he claims to have been sleeping with for ten years. There's no telling whether he means "sleeping" in the colloquial sense, but I don't think anyone can share a bed with someone or something for a decade without experiencing a couple of nights of antsy fingers. Fortunately, the world was spared a prolonged mockery of real marriage when the cat subsequently died of feline asthma. So, happy ending. More details here.

President 2.0

2010-05-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

Last month, Poland's president and several other government officials were killed in a plane crash. A special election is scheduled for June 20th to replace him, and it looks like voters will have a rare opportunity to repeat themselves, since the late president's twin brother is running for the office. Jaroslaw Kaczynski says he'll put aside his crippling grief to ~~grab power via sympathy vote~~ carry on his dead brother's legacy. And as much as I despise the very concept of twins, this doesn't seem like such a bad model for other countries to follow. It makes good political and fiscal sense to only elect identical twins to high office. If there's a spare, you don't have to worry about any dimwitted running mates (Biden, Quayle, Cher) having to step up to the plate with little to no preparation. Plus, you can afford to cut security in half, since it's only 50% as important to ensure the president's safety. And the electorate won't even be able to tell the difference. The new president and the old president will laugh alike, walk alike. At times, they'll even talk alike. The only danger, of course, is if genetic freakishness has imbued the twin with some sort of crippling weakness; say, for instance, a hot dog makes him lose control. You don't want a frankfurter to send your leader into a nuclear button-smashing rage. More details here.

WHAT IS THIS???

2010-05-03T11:01:00.000-05:00

A commercial fisherman from Maine has harbored a dark secret in his garage for fifteen years. No, it's not a plastic bag full of neighborparts. It's a skull. BUT FROM WHAT??? It seems the skull was pulled from a depth of 300 fathoms beneath the sea, which may or may not be the optimal breeding depth for the Star God's arcane brood. His brother-in-law wanted to toss the infernal artifact back beneath the waves, but this fisherman opted to keep it, as he's a collector of strange things. STRANGE THINGS SUCH AS OCCULT CURSES??? Maybe. But it's likely the skull belonged to some sort of bottom-dwelling fish, as it has an opening on one side that suggests the presence of gills. But, the thing also has been leaking a strange brown liquid lo these past fifteen years, so who knows what it is? (Probably a fish.) More details here.

Shameless

2010-04-30T13:57:00.000-05:00

Do you enjoy words? How about when those words are organized into sentences? Okay, now tell me this: Do you like those sentences to be arranged in such a way that reading them conveys some type of narrative? Well, then you might be interested to know that I arrange words and sentences in that very fashion. I call this process "writing short stories". No, these aren't necessarily stories about the short. They're just the type of thing you might take in all in one sitting.

"Fuck you," you might be saying. "How dare you tell me this when there's no way I can consume your stories? Why do you always have to be such a goddamn tease?"

Hold on, now. This where it gets good. See, you can read my stories through the magic of modern technology. Do you have a thing with a screen on it? Then chances are good you also have access to the Amazon Kindle service. No need to own the Kindle device itself. You can download the free Kindle app for your PC, Mac, iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, or your Blackberry.

Wait, wait! Come back! I haven't told you why you should care yet. Yes, there are a bunch of books and crap you can download through the Kindle store, but those all suck. What you really want to read are my aforementioned stories! "Told you I wasn't a tease," I say while slapping your hand away from my cock cleavage.

Some are comic. Some are serious. Some are comically serious. All are just 99 American cents, and all may be previewed for free. (Also, they're DRM-free, if you care to pirate. [Please don't.]) I'll be releasing a new story every week. The first is called "The Distance Between Here and There" and is about a physically handicapped man who makes his first surrealistic connection with another human. Find it here. If you like it, why not leave a review? "If you don't like it, why not suck on this?" I ask before slapping your hand away from my cock cleavage.

You'll notice that there's a pretentious middle initial in my name on Amazon. This is to stand out from some impostor who also writes things. Also, I'm a stuck up artfag.

Thank you for your attention.

I've Got a Golden Ticket (To Depression)

2010-04-30T13:56:00.000-05:00

Scientists at UC San Diego have discovered that people who eat chocolate regularly tend to be more depressed than those who only indulge in the occasional nosh. This should come as no surprise to anyone who's ever worked in an office environment, since the middle-aged ladies who screech about their chocolate fiendishness every time they dive into a break room birthday cake are also the ones tho write sad letter to the editor whenever their local papers drop "Kathy" from the comics page. But researchers say they're not sure whether or not chocolate can cause depression. It's possible that depressed people seek out chocolate more than others. It's also possible that chocolate creates a spike in mood, which sparks a feeling of depression after it wears off. Regardless, this study isn't going to stop me. I am a chocolate fiend, y'all! *sob* More details here.

Abduction by the Dashboard Light

2010-04-30T13:55:00.000-05:00

The Mutual UFO Network released details of their investigation into the claims of two New Hampshire teens who say they were assaulted by a mysterious craft. The 18-year-old girl and 16-year-old boy allegedly borrowed the girl's car for a nighttime drive/fingerbanging session. When the girl looked up at the moon, she saw a black UFO approaching the car from above. The car was lifted into the air and dropped 180 feet away before the UFO fled. According to MUFON's investigation, the car suffered about $5,000 in damage to the underside and a cracked windshield, plus the asphalt curb at the impact site appears to be damaged. There's really no way of proving whether or not these teenagers are telling the truth, since any number of things could have damaged the car, not least of which being an uncontrolled spin-out following a successful fingerbanging session. But I really hope extraterrestrials aren't involved, as I certainly don't want to think any interstellar species could be so prudish as to mess with horny teenagers in the middle of nowhere. If they'd dumped abstinence-only education pamphlets from an airlock before flying away, I'd say this should be considered an act of war. More details here.

A Brief History of Isolationism

2010-04-26T10:58:00.000-05:00

Cybernetic astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has a new series premiering on the Discovery Channel next month in which he warns against humanity ever contacting extraterrestrial species in case they decide to kill us all. Hawking believes that alien life is basically a given, though most of it is of the dimwitted animal variety. But intelligent races may also be out there, and chances are good they aren't friendly. He cites the historical human tendency for more advanced nations to conquer and rape their technological lessers as an example of what could happen to us if we're visited by the equivalent of an interstellar Christopher Columbus. But I'm not sure Hawking's reasoning is sound. True, our more primitive ancestors had a disturbing trend of clubbing to death those people they happened upon in their sea travels, but such a thing would be unthinkable today. I'd like to think someone would speak up if a NASA expedition someday discovered crossbow-wielding native Martians and threw smallpox-infested blankets at them so we could mine their delicious, delicious ores. I mean, worst case scenario, we have to deal with rogue sex tourists who travel to Mars for a suction cup reach-around. More details here.

Canine Homophobia

2010-04-26T10:57:00.000-05:00

The owners of an Australian Thai restaurant have been ordered to pay a man $1,500 for refusing entry to the man's dog, because they thought it was gay. Actually, the man is blind, and when waiters were told he wanted to bring his guide dog into the restaurant, they misheard "guide" as "gay". And the fine isn't for practicing sexual discrimination against dogs so much as refusing to allow entry to a guide dog, as is mandatory under Australian disabilities laws. So the gay thing is really just an excuse. A strange excuse, though, as it outs this restaurant as a homophobic establishment. Though I suppose it's possible they have nothing against homosexual humans and instead direct their hatred only at gay animals. Is there anything in the Bible about a male Corgi lying with another male Corgi? I don't think so, but I've never read a Thai translation of the Old Testament. You know, the more I think about it, the more I suspect this whole thing boils down to a massive copy editing error in southeast Asian Bibles. More details here.

Vote for the Best Fat Jesus!

2010-04-25T21:52:00.003-05:00

Deciding on four finalists for the Fat Jesus Art Contest was tough. Almost as tough as it is for Fat Jesus to stop stuffing his maw with loaves and fishes. All entries are worth an honorable mention. Well, except for Rebecca's, since she hasn't been forgiven for rigging the Amateur Scientist Podcast raffle at last year's Dragon*Con. But the rest? Superb. (And even Rebecca's is pretty great.) Check them all out on the forum.

But whittle them down I have. Vote for your favorite in the poll below. And click on the thumbnails at the bottom of this post for full-size versions. The winner will be announced on the 100th episode of The Amateur Scientist Podcast on May 1st and shall receive a free podcast t-shirt for his or her trouble. I don't need to tell you the stakes are high. Happy voting!

Online Surveys & Market Research

Still Putting it On

2010-04-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

You may recall that Jesse Thorn appeared on The Amateur Scientist Podcast last year to discuss his men's style web series "Put This On" and bust some myths about dressing well. I'm happy to report that a full season of "Put This On" has been funded, and here's the first of several regular post-pilot episodes. On tap? What to look for in a quality shoe. Recommended. And also be sure to check out Jesse's public radio and podcasting endeavors at MaximumFun.org. Everything he does is worth your time. (Yes, poops included.)

Put This On, Episode 2: Shoes from Put This On on Vimeo.

A True Likeness

2010-04-23T15:14:00.000-05:00

In support of the first annual Everybody Draw Mohammed Day, I present to you this work of art by Molly Norris, which I originally discovered here (click to embiggen).